Reviving our sense of Gheerah

By Sister Fatima Barakatullah

We live in societies in which most men and women have lost their sense of modesty, women are obsessed with their appearances and wear clothes to be seen by others and to attract the attention of other men even if they are married! They have lost their sense of shame. Marriage is often looked upon as old-fashioned and short term affairs and frivolous relationships are the norm, everyone waiting to attract a better partner and feeling totally justified to dump one partner for another at the drop of a hat. Feminism too has reached its peak and men and women are told to suppress their natural emotions. Men are not even embarrassed when their wives are dressed up and attract the attention of other men, they don’t mind if another man sees, chats, laughs and even dances with their womenfolk and if they do mind, they are told not to be so possessive!

In Islam we have a concept of Gheerah. Gheerah is an Arabic word which means protectiveness or relative jealousy. It is a good type of jealousy, like when a man feels jealous or protective over his wife or sisters and other-womenfolk and doesn’t like other men to look at them. It is a natural inbuilt feeling Allah (The One & Only God) has given men and women. The Holy Prophet (salla Allahu alihi wa sallam) had the most Gheerah for his wives and all of the companions were known for their Gheerah. All Muslim men should have a collective sense of protectiveness for Muslim women as Allah (The One God) says in the Holy Qur’an, the meaning of which is: 

“The Men are the protectors and maintainers of women…” (Surah An-Nisaa, Ayah 34).

Men who do not care about how their women behave and appear in front of other men and don’t enforce hijaab upon their wives or women-folk are called Dayyooth. Being a Dayyooth is a major sin and a detailed discription of this evil characteristic can be found in adh-Dhahabee’s book of Major Sins (Kitaab ul-Kabaa’ir). 

A story of Gheerah

To further understand the quality of Gheerah, we can look at an incident that Asmaa’ (radi Allahu anha) the daughter of Abu Bakr As-Siddeeq (radi Allahu anhu) and sister of Aisha (radi Allahu anha), relates about herself. Abu Bakr was a wealthy merchant and he married his daughter Asmaa’ to the great companion Az-Zubayr ibn al-‘Awwam (radi Allahu anhu) who was a very poor man but a man of great piety and one of the companions who were promised Paradise. Asmaa’ relates:

“When az-Zubayr married me, he had neither land nor wealth nor slave…”, so Asmaa’ had to work very hard kneading dough, going far off to get water. “And I used to carry on my head,” she continues, “the date stones from the land of az-Zubair which Allah’s Messenger (salla Allahu alihi wa sallam) had endowed him and it was a distance of two miles from Madeenah. One day, as I was carrying the date-stones upon my head, I happened to meet Allah’s Messenger (salla Allahu alihi wa sallam), along with a group of his Companions. He called me and told the camel to sit down so that he could make me ride behind him. I felt shy to go with men and I remembered az-Zubair and his Gheerah and he was a man having the most Gheerah. The Messenger of Allah (salla Allahu alihi wa sallam) understood my shyness and left.. I came to az-Zubair and said: “The Messenger of Allah (salla Allahu alihi wa sallam) met me as I was carrying date-stones upon my head and there was with him a group of his Companions. He told the camel to kneel so that I could mount it, but I felt shy and I remembered your Gheerah.” So Asmaa’ declined the offer made by the Holy Prophet (salla Allahu alihi wa sallam). Upon this az-Zubair said: “By Allah, the thought of you carrying date-stones upon your head is more severe a burden on me than you riding with him.” (related in Saheeh Bukhari) 

Look at the sense of dignity and modesty of Asmaa’! See how she felt shy in front of men? See how careful she was about her husband’s feelings? She knew that her husband had a lot of Gheerah so she didn’t want to upset him by accepting the Holy Prophet’s (salla Allahu alihi wa sallam) help even though the Prophet was the purest of men and even though it meant bringing hardship on herself! And look at az-Zubair (R.A), even though he had a lot of Gheerah, he didn’t want to inconvenience his wife. What a beautiful relationship they had!

Nurturing our sense of Gheerah

Sometimes Muslim women don’t understand if their menfolk want them to cover their faces or if they ask them to change something about the way they dress or speak in public, thinking that the men are being over-protective. But my dear sisters! If your husband asks you not to wear a certain colour of khimaar because it brings out the beauty of your eyes, or if he wants you to cover your face – by Allah, be thankful! Be proud of the fact that your husband has a sense of Gheerah for you and that he values you and cares for your hereafter. He knows what men can be like more than you do and so never try and suppress his Gheerah in these types of matters. And his concern for you should incite your own sense of honour! Why should any man be able to see your beauty and think indecent thoughts about you? We must nurture our own and our menfolk’s sense of Gheerah by behaving and dressing modestly ourselves and paying attention to their valid opinions. We expect certain behaviour from them and they expect it of us. And besides, if our husband asks us to do something that it not Haraam (forbidden), we must do it. 

And Brothers! How can you allow your wife or sister to walk around attracting the attentions and evil-thoughts of other men? How can you not mind if she smiles as she talks to other men. Nobody has the right to enjoy her and her company but you and her Maharim men. You are not being overbearing if you first encourage and then enforce the hijaab on your womenfolk because YOU will be asked about it on the Day of Judgement and it is also a major sin upon YOU! It is upon the men to enforce these things in their homes and you cannot use the excuse that your wife didn’t want to. Women need a firm, balanced, guiding hand from their men, so with wisdom you must enforce hijaab in your home. You are a shepard and are responsible for your flock! 

Allah (The One & Only God) reminds us all in the Holy Qur’an, the meaning of which is:

“Oh you who believe, Protect yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is men and stones.” (At-Tahreem, Aayah 6)

There is a big difference between how Islam values and protects women and how cheaply women are treated outside of Islam! As Muslims we have to be careful that our Hayaa’ (sense of modesty and shame) and Gheerah don’t wear out in a society in which people have lost it.. 

The Holy Prophet (salla Allahu alihi wa sallam) said: “A man passed a branch of a tree lying in the road and said, ‘By Allah, I want to remove this out of the way of the Muslims so that it will not hurt them,’ and he was admitted to Paradise.” (Reported by Muslim, no. 1914).

The Holy Prophet (salla Allahu alihi wa sallam)said: “Whoever removes something harmful from the path of the Muslims, one hasanah will be recorded for him, and whoever has a hasanah accepted, will enter Paradise.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari in al-Adab al-Mufrad, no. 593).

The Holy Prophet (salla Allahu alihi wa sallam) said: “The believer’s position in relation to his fellow believers is like that of the head to the body; the believer feels the pain of his fellow believers as the body reacts to the pain suffered by the head.” (Musnad Ahmad, 5/340)

Tips for a Better Husband and Wife Relationship

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tips for a Better Husband and Wife Relationship

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Although many people may right now be in failing marriages and on a fast track to divorce and its terrible consequences, there are many ways to put their marriage back on the right track if the husband and wife are sincere in their desire to reconcile. The following principles can be used by people whose marriages are already in trouble or by those who would like to avoid trouble in their marriage.

 

 

 

Examples of Negative relationship of Husband & Wife

Many husbands and wives treat each other like adversaries rather than partners. The husband feels that he is the boss, and whatever he says goes. The wife feels that she must squeeze everything she can out of her husband. Some wives never show their husband that they are satisfied with anything he does or buys for them in order to trick him into doing and buying more. They make him feel like a failure if he does not give them the lifestyle that their friends and families enjoy. Some husbands speak very harshly to their wives, humiliate them, and even physically abuse them. Their wives have no voice or opinion in the family.

 

 

 

Marriage In the eyes of Allah (The One & Only God)

It is very sad that this relationship which Allah (The One God) has established for the good has been made a source of contention, deception, trickery, tyranny, humiliation, and abuse. This is not the way marriage is supposed to be.

Allah (The One God) described marriage very differently in the Holy Quran: '. . . He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts) . . . ' (Holy Quran 30:21)

 

 

 

Do not be a Tyrant

Regardless of whether or not Islam has made the husband the head of the household, A muslim is not supposed to be dictator and tyrant. We are taught to treat our wives well. The Holy Prophet Muhammad was reported to have said: 'The most perfect Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behavior; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives' (From Mishkat al-Masabih, No. 0278(R) Transmitted by Tirmidhi)

 

 

 

Be Partners in the Decision Making Process.

Follow the principle of 'mutual discussion' and make decisions as a family. There will be much more harmony in the family when decisions are not imposed and everyone feels that they had some part in making them.

 

 

 

 
Never be abusive

Never be emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive to your spouse. The Holy Prophet never mistreated his wives. He is reported to have said: 'How could they beat their women in daytime as slaves and then sleep with them in the night?'

 

 

 

 

Be Careful of Your Words

Be very careful what you say when you are upset. Sometimes you will say things that you would never say when you were not angry. If you are angry, wait until you calm down before continuing the conversation.

 

 

 

 

Show Affection

Show affection for your mate. Be kind, gentle, and loving.

 

 

 

 

 

Be Your Spouse's Friend

Show interest in your mate's life. Too often, we live in the same house but know nothing about each other's lives. It would be great if the husband and wife could work together for the same cause or on the same project.

 

 

 

 

Show Appreciation

Show appreciation for what your spouse does for the family. Never make your husband feel that he is not doing good enough for the family or that you are not satisfied with his work or his efforts, unless, of course, he is truly lazy and not even trying to provide for the family. The Holy Prophet was reported to have said: 'On the Day of Judgment, God will not look upon the woman who has been ungrateful to her husband.' Show your wife that you appreciate her. If she takes care of the house and the children, don't take it for granted. It is hard work, and no one likes to feel unappreciated.

 

 

 

Work Together in the House

The Holy Prophet is known to have helped his wives in the house. And if the Holy Prophet was not above doing housework, modern Muslim husbands shouldn't feel that they are.

 

 

 

 

Communication is Important

Communication, Communication, Communication! This is the big word in counseling. And it should be. Husbands and wives need to talk to each other. It is better to deal with problems early and honestly than to let them pile up until an explosion occurs.

 

 

 

 

Forget Past Problems

Don't bring up past problems once they have been solved.

 

 

Live Simply

Don't be jealous of those who seem to be living a more luxurious life than your family. The 'sustenance' is from Allah (The One & Only God). In order to develop the quality of contentment, look at those people who have less than you, not those who have more. Thank Allah (The One God) for the many blessings in your life.

 

 

 

Give Your Spouse Time Alone

If your mate doesn't want to be with you all the time, it doesn't mean he or she doesn't love you. People need to be alone for various reasons. Sometimes they want to read, to think about their problems, or just to relax. Don't make them feel that they are committing a sin.

 

 

 

 

Admit Your Mistakes

When you make a mistake, admit it. When your mate makes a mistake, excuse him or her easily. If possible, never go to sleep angry with each other.

 

 

 

 

Physical Relationship is Important

Be available to your mate sexually, and don't let your sexual relationship be characterized by selfishness. The Holy Prophet was reported to have said: 'It is not appropriate that you fall upon your wives like a beast but you must send a message of love beforehand.'

 

 

 

Have Meals Together

Try to eat together as a family when possible. Show the cook and the dishwasher, whether it is the husband or the wife, appreciation for his or her efforts. The Holy Prophet did not complain about food that was put before him.

 

 

 

 

Be Mindful of Your discussion Topics

Never discuss with others the things about your marriage that your spouse wouldn't like you to discuss, unless there is an just reason to do so. Some husbands and wives, believe it or not, complain to others about their mate's physical appearance. This is a recipe for disaster. Information about your intimate relations should be kept between you and your spouse. Respect for each other is necessary.

 

 

 

Many of us treat our spouses in ways that we would never treat others. With others, we try to be polite, kind, and patient. With our spouses, we often do not show these courtesies. Of course, we are usually with our spouses at our worst times --- when we are tired and frustrated after a hard day. After a bad day at the office, husbands usually come home angry and on edge. The wife has probably also had a hard day with the children and the housework. Wives and husbands should discuss this potential time bomb so that if they are short-tempered with each other during these times, they will understand the reasons rather than automatically thinking that their spouse no longer loves them.

 

 

 

Good marriages require patience, kindness, humility, sacrifice, empathy, love, understanding, forgiveness, and hard work. Following these principles should help any marriage to improve. The essence of them all can be summed up in one sentence: Always treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated. If you follow this rule, your marriage will have a much greater chance for success. If you discard this rule, failure is just around the corner.

Sanctity of Marriage

 

 

 

 

 

Sanctity of Marriage

 

 

 

 

 

It is Allah (The One & Only God) Who has created you out of one living entity, and out of it brought into being its mate, so that man might incline [with love] towards woman. And so, when he has embraced her, she conceives [what at first is] a light load , and continues to bear it. Then, when she grows heavy [with child], they both call unto God, their Sustainer, "If Thou indeed grant us a sound [child], we shall most certainly be among the grateful." [Holy Qur'an 7:189]

 

 

 

 

 

The building block of society is the family and there is no real family without the union of marriage. Marriage is both, a social institution and a sacred union;
-      as a social institution it is considered as one of the primary prophetic practices that need to be followed. The Holy Prophet said, "Marriage is of my lifestyle and whosoever does not desire this is not of me"
-      as a scared union, Allah (The One God) refers to the commitment to the institution of marriage as  a solemn contract,  a term otherwise used only in relation to the covenant between Allah and the Prophets [Q 33:7]

 

 

 

This institution of marriage is seriously challenged today...

1.  Socially: Due to the economic crisis, there has been a tremendous stress on relationships, more particularly domestic relationships and more specifically marital relationships

 

2.  Politically: A vote that would have a tremendous legal impact and great social consequence on how marriage is defined and how it will be accepted and instituted in our society.

 

 

Proposition 8
In 2000, Californians voted for Proposition 22 by a 61% majority to approve the following: "Only marriage between man and woman are valid and recognized in California."
There is a massive attempt to redefine marriage to include marriage as a one that includes a union between male & male or female & female and in the process not only legitimize homosexual relations but also consider such marriage as the norm and acceptable... enforceable by law. This will ensure that in schools, same-gender marriages will be taught to kids as being the norm, and in churches and mosques; same-gender marriages will be imposed as a equally valid and any institution that refuses to recognize this would be violating the law.

 

 

 

People have their rights and people should be respected for the choices they make. They are answerable to the Creator for their own lives, as each of us are. Same-gender relations, as domestic partners, already have rights, protection and benefits like married couples in California; the problem here is the deliberate attempt to redefine marriage. The objection is to the enforcing of such a deviant definition of marriage, imposing that minority privilege upon the larger community, which in turn would affect the very fabric of society.

 

 

 

 

Legality & Morality
Legally, people have had their political voices overturned by four judges in May 2008, reversing the expression of the will of the people expressed in Proposition 22 in 2000. The role of the state legislature is to interpret and implement the law, not to overturn the legitimate, moral will of the people. Now, with voting "Yes" on Proposition 8, people will reiterate their original intent, expressed in 2000, to categorically state that "Only marriage between man and woman are valid and recognized in California." This is not an issue of civil rights nor an issue of tolerance. Sometimes we try to be so politically correct that we misconstrue tolerance with condoning. Tolerance never implies abandoning one's standards and principles for that which is immoral.

 

 

 

 

 

Restricting "Marriage"
Marriage is a responsibility and a legally-binding contract intended
to promote a lawful, legal and moral building block of society. Numerous laws exist that restrict the ability of people to enter into a marriage contract... marriage is only allowed between adults, not minors; marriage is only allowed between two individuals not three, marriage is not allowed between closely related individuals such as brothers and sisters, or aunts and uncles or with parents. If marriage is declared a fundamental right of all individuals, then all restrictions to marriage could be declared unconstitutional.

 

 

 

 

 

Freedom
Much is made of the notion of impinging on the freedom of people. The concept of freedom is the distinguishing quality of humanity. Freedom refers to a state of being in which an individual is able to make a choice in thought, behavior or speech, or to avoid doing so; without violating the legitimate rights of others.
In the Holy Qur'an the concept of freedom is described with many words and expressions, such as hurr (free) or tahrir (to free); najat (protection, salvation); fawz (reaching the target, achieving the goal); and falah (total well-being, flowering of the potential, fulfillment of the latent qualities). In Hadith (Prophetic) literature there is reference to `itq (emancipation and liberation).
Freedom has both positive and negative connotations: freedom for something and freedom from something.
-      Islam wants freedom for living a happy, healthy, prosperous, moral, and dignified life. Islam wants people to be free to worship, to express themselves, to earn, to have family, and to have a government of their choice.
-      On the other hand, Islam wants people to be free from economic, political, and social oppression.

 

 

 

 

Three Aspects to Human Freedom in Islamic
Freedoms do not exist in a vacuum; they do not function without limits. The issue of human freedom in Islam has three aspects...

   - First, is the notion that humans are born free from original sin. Adam and Eve were forgiven for their error by God, although their human descendents would have to live on earth, which would serve as a test to their faith. [Holy Qur'an 2:36-38].

   - Second, given this test, humans are free to choose their actions; God has created humans such that they have an innate ability to know the difference between good and evil, and in doing so, have the freedom to choose good.

 

 

 

  "Consider the human self, it is formed in accordance with what it is meant to be, and how it is imbued with moral failings as well as with consciousness of God! To a happy state shall indeed attain he who causes his (self) to grow in purity, and truly lost is he who corrupts it." [Holy Qur'an 91:7-10]. It is only by having this freedom that choosing to obey God becomes a meaningful process.[Qur'an 18:29]. 

 

 

-      Third, to be able to choose one's actions then implies that one has to deal with the consequences of them as well. Humans are accountable to God on the Day of Judgment.

 

 

"And every human being`s doings have We tied to his neck, and on the Day of Resurrection We shall bring forth for him a record which he will find wide open."[Holy Qur'an 17:13].

 

 

 

 

Marriage
In Islam there is no family without union or marriage and there is no marriage without love and respect. The family in Islam is a unit in which two independent persons unite and share life together. The husband's dignity is an integral part of his wife's dignity. To unite and share, there must be mutual love and compassion - a genuine feeling which, unless translated into action and behavior, would be mere illusion.

 

 

 

Live by Higher Principles
To meet the needs and face the challenges that come with relationships, each person needs to make an inventory of characteristics that will help him/her to get closer to the people he/she cares about, while minimizing those matters that cause dissension. A good model for marital relationship is structured around five higher principals:

 
-      Love (each other & for each other)

-      Respect ~ Witnessing disrespect is always an unpleasant experience and when the disrespect or insult emanates from those who supposedly love us it is most demeaning, cruel and painful. Whether it be parent, child, spouse or friend; all relationships require this element of respect. Wise ones have said that a person removes the greatest ornament of relationship who takes away from it respect. How ugly it is when people abandon basic notions of respect, take their relationships for granted, and treat familiarity as some sort of dispensation from the fundamental rules of civility. People who humiliate their dear ones allow familiarity to breed contempt.

-      Understanding (needs, care, attention)

-      Acceptance (differences, limitations)

-      Appreciation who they are and what they do

 

 

The purposes of Muslim marriage as a fulfillment of the sunnah (prophetic methodology) are to:
1.  give expression to one's natural passion in a lawful context
2.  restrain improper desire.
3.  the expansion of the family through lawful procreation
4.  ordering of domestic life which is the building block of society
5.  care and responsibility towards spouse & children.

 

 

 

Among Allah's (The One God's) wonders is that; He created for you mates out of your own human species, so that you may incline toward them, and He engenders love and tenderness between you; in this, behold, there are indeed messages for people who think [Holy Quran 30:21].